Have you ever had a day that didn’t go the way you planned and although it didn’t FEEL good, the voice of reason told you that it WAS ALL good?
Yesterday, I set my DVR to record Iyanla VanZant on Oprah.
I had an appointment that I didn’t expect to last as long as it did, but, it was necessary.
Little did I know – the two would be connected.
No matter what people tell you – there’s always a story BEHIND the story.
Recently, I was reminded that I need to DEAL with some things from my past. One of them being a very serious domestic violence situation, which I blogged about some time ago here.
While I thought I was “healed” from that incident, I realized that I never met it head on. Mostly because I’ve ALWAYS been taking care of someone other than me.
I’m not just talking about my children, but, other people in my life, who I took on the responsibility of caring for.
I got into such a pattern of caring about OTHERS, that I began neglecting myself and slowly, a piece of me was dying.
In a previous blog post, I talk about what happened when I attended a Screenwriter’s Conference.
I don’t tell the story behind the story.
The first time I attended that conference I pitched a screenplay which HBO immediately requested to see. I never sent it.
Because I was too busy caring for others and felt like I needed to make a choice. I was not happy in my marriage, I was experiencing serious challenges with my daughter and I felt I had no room to give more of myself.
So, I neglected myself. By not responding, I said NO to the thing that mattered most in my life. ME.
So, yesterday, I spent two and a half hours recounting and reliving something that happened almost 16 years ago. And I made a decision. I’m not okay. I need to stop avoiding it. I need to DEAL with it. I need to FACE it. And I need to move past it.
Am I healed? Yes, I do believe I am. Have I been delivered from the effects – not all of them.
People who continue to deny themselves the right to self-care are self-abusers. People who avoid taking care of themselves, in the name of helping others have low self-esteem, because they don’t think they are worthy of being cared for. Women tend to mask that with a spirit of “independence”. *Raises Hand*
I’m sure not one person who follows my blog would think that I have low self-esteem.
Now, back to Iyanla.
I’m sure everyone will have differing opinions on what Iyanla perceives caused the rift between her and Oprah. But, there’s one universal truth that we CANNOT ignore:
Our perception defines our reality.
No matter what others think of us, if we have not dealt with “what lies within”, it will manifest itself in one way or another in our lives.
Her “miss” on Oprah equals my “miss” at HBO.
I can relate to her feeling that she is not the person that people perceives her as. Not that she’s living a lie, it’s just that she did not feel she was worthy to receive the recognition she had for her natural gifts. She didn’t see herself as a big deal. Then she got an offer for what she considered to be a REALLY big deal. And her mind got blurry.
When someone reads my resume or bio back to me, it doesn’t sound the same as I hear it in my head. If I’m having a conversation and I randomly discuss what my day entails, one of my dearest friends reminds me that these are not the things that other people have on their mind.
In our quest to remain humble and not think that we are bigger than we ought, we tend to minimize our accomplishments – causing detriment to our own path to greatness.
So, starting today – I will celebrate my accomplishments. I’m thankful that this blog is a vehicle that I can use to share them with people who will be happy for me and with me!
I’m not writing this to start a pity party. I’m sharing this, because I made a decision yesterday to start counseling. I know a lot of people think that’s a bad word – but, it’s not. It’s perhaps the BIGGEST of the entire 300 steps that I am taking towards greatness, so that when it shows up – I will be totally prepared.
I encourage you to do the same. Do the hard stuff. If there’s something in your past that isn’t pretty and you have been avoiding it – handle it.
Don’t let your path to greatness become blurred by the trash of your past.
Love, hugs and peace to you all!
I have a radio interview with Mint Condition at 1pm EST today – join me if you can! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thatwritingchic